Discerning God's Will

I have no idea how many mistakes this blog has, nor how cohesive my thoughts come across, but I felt the need to share the amazing work of the Father. Yes, we're going through a trial, but please do not grieve for us. God is using it for Good, thanks to the protective prayers of so many prayer warriors! Thank you! In the Beth Moore Study on Daniel she highlights the experience of the three who faced the burning furnace- Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. She says that trials serve three purposes:

1. God can deliver us FROM the fire; thus BUILDING our faith through miraculous healings or rescues.
2. He can deliver us THROUGH the fire; thus REFINING our faith through facing the trial and doing the work to face the pain.
3. He can deliver us THROUGH the fire into His arms; PERFECTING our faith by bringing us home to Him.

Shadrach, Meshach and Abedego expected that either God would miraculously save them from the furnace, OR he would deliver them into His arms. They never expected that He would deliver them THROUGH that fire - they came out not even smelling like smoke. You would never know they had been through that trial! And, as Beth Moore points out, the only things burned up in that fire were their BONDS. The things that tied them. But I think the most precious part of their history is that God was there with them in the Fire PHYSICALLY! Some say it was an angel walking around in there with them, others say it was Jesus, but no matter - God was there!

I am being so incredibly stretched right now - both literally and figuratively - it's painful, but productive. Justin calls it "a pressure cooker." An apt description. PHYSICALLY, My body is morphing at 12 weeks along in our pregnancy with twins, growing to accomodate TWO babies. It's been almost 5 years since my body last welcomed a Little One, and now, to be growing so fast, it's STRRREEETTTCCHING out again. Knowing that I have a baby in trouble, and three others (my two sons already growing and thriving, along with the other unborn twin) who also need me, I am doing my best to budget my energy for everyone. I'm drinking a TON of water, resting as much as I can, and praying for my little twins. For our other sons, on one of our darkest days, we blew off that night's obligations and we went on a family date. We ate fastfood and went to a movie - we even treated them to the annoyingly-not-worth-it little rides at the mall that the boys LOVE. It was an evening well spent.

EMOTIONALLY we're being stretched by the fight for life that our littlest baby seems to be putting forth as well as by discerning our roles in ministry. Our littlest baby is growing and developing so much slower than the other baby, and yet he's still in the fight. His heart rate is strong, but he has little amniotic fluid around him, which means his little organs aren't producing enough urine to fill out his living space. What a rollercoaster ride as we leave our doctor appointment with the last notice that, "By the next appointmnet, I expect we won't find a heartbeat." But then to go home and review the ultrasound and realize that our doctor started THAT appointment not expecting to see a heartbeat. I am preparing my heart to lose my child to the Father's kingdom, but I'm also doing my absolute best while he is within my stewardship! Do I have twins or not?! I pass by baby sections in stores and my heart just can't even look. My girlfriend told me I need to just look and buy some little things, just to have some Peruvian things. And she's right...that would be fun. Even with twins you don't need two of EVERYthing. But then we passed by a store that had two little baby displays in the front window - they were dressed in the same outfit, but one in pink and one in blue...my heart ached. Do I have both of you, or don't I??

Now the spiritual battle: WOW! The Father is doing something in us. We don't know what it is, but MAN, it's painful. For those who know me well, I do not run from pain. Nor do I begrudge its place in my life. About 7.5 years ago my mother took her own life, and that experience brought pain I thought would take the air right from my lungs. There were mornings I would wake up and wonder, with all the pain in me, how on EARTH could my chest still be rising and falling with each breath. Justin and I had been married for just 5 short months at that point, and I am so thankful that he spoon fed me the Word in my weakness. Bringing me scriptures that uplifted me, explained the Father's heart, and comforted me. But I also did the work to walk THROUGH the pain. It was the most pain I have ever faced, but it was the best time of growth I have ever experienced - and it serves to bring me the tools to face this new time of trial.

Something I learned through a Bible Study back at home was that Satan operates best in the dark...when we deny that he's on the move. But when we call him out - and turn God's light on him - he's CAUGHT in the act. Suddenly we see him, and we can fight a SEEN ENEMY. So I feel like I started off feeling despondent about the possibility of needing to go home (yes, this is a decision with which we are grappling). I was wondering what God was doing with us - but then Psalm 139: 13-18 came into my spirit by "accident" one day, and it's been growing in me. God's thoughts about our babies and about each of us are more numerous than my own, and these unborn children are even more precious to Him than to me...and I myself was fearfully and wonderully made in that secret place. He loves ME that much! WOW! How is THAT possible?!?! But it IS!

Then I wondered if we were in a Job trial - as God allowed Satan to tear Job's life apart to test his faithfulness to the Father. I started to ask, "Why?" Then I remembered the later chapters of Job where God lays Job OUT - "Then the Lord spoke to Job out of the storm: 'Who is this that darkens my counsel with words without knowledge? Brace yourself like a man; I will question you, and you shall answer me. 'Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation? Tell me, if you understand. Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know! Who stretched the measuring line across it? On what were its footings set, or who laid its cornerstone - while the morning stars sang together and all the angels shouted for joy?" CERTAINLY NOT ME! The Father has this all in His hands. He already knows the decision we will make, and we are in battle against the Enemy to make sure the path we see and choose is the one that God has directed us to, and not that the Enemy has marked for us.

Justin reminded me that Satan cannot create life - this baby was not designed as his pawn. God created our babies perfectly in His image - even with troublesome bodies, our children are fearfully and wonderfully made. We have faced trials here in Peru, apart from our babies, that have led us to wonder why things have been so hard...but we've also had some great successes here. Are we to go home now, take care of our babies and serve our local church? Or are we supposed to stay here and find what else God has for us? So we're resting, not in the question of "WHY, GOD?" But in the question of, "What are we to do that will bring you the most glory?" It might just mean that our time in Peru has come to an end.

I have to get ready for church now, though I feel like I've already had it. Many many tears have glistened our cheeks. Much ache has crossed our hearts as we grapple with this decision of whether to stay or go, but the greatest tragedy would NOT be losing our baby, because, though painful for us, Little Guy would be at home with the Father. The greatest tragedy would be ignoring the absolute magnitude of God's sovereignty and wonderful work that He's doing in us. Today I am going to rest in that promise.

In Christ,

Gillian