Waiting and Waiting....hurry up and WAIT.

That's how I, Gillian, feel like the last several years have been for us. We waited (and worked) for 2 years to raise our support, we waited for 2 months in a rental house in South Carolina after we sold our house, then we waited for a month at my dad's house in Minnesota for our visas to come through, once we got here to Peru, we waited 2 months to get into our apartment. We WAITED almost 5 years to try to have more children, and when we do, they're TWINS and one of them is in trouble. So now we must wait weeks between ultrasounds to check on them. June 10 is the next one, by the way.

Years ago I learned some valuable lessons about waiting. During one of my mom's many stints in the hospital during my teen years she received a test her roommate was supposed to get (whoops!). But that test revealed a spot on her lung. My mom, a smoker of 20 years, was naturally alarmed, as were the rest of us. The doctors told us to wait for 3 months to see if the spot grew or shrunk. That was the longest season of WAITING my family ever had to endure. In the end it turned out to be a rare fungus (funny place to grow mushrooms), and NOT the feared cancer. Our season of waiting for that diagnosis inspired the senior pastor of our family's church to write a series of sermons on the purpose of waiting. He would end each sermon with "...and to hear the rest of the message, you will have to WAIT until next Sunday." UGH, how annoying. We were already waiting.

So every time I go through a season of waiting I now remember back to that time. I didn't know it then, but it helped to equip me for future waiting. Our time of waiting to come to the mission field forced Justin and I to come out of leading Hispanic Ministry at our church - a ministry that started when we were just 21 years old and lasted for 4.5 years. It was as if we'd been hiding from our church congregation for those years! For the next few years we were busy pursuing the mission field, so we had the opportunity to take assistant roles under other church members. During that time we were also receiving training for the mission field on things like the mentality that perpetuates poverty and Biblical Worldview. All of these things brought us to new levels of faith and learning. During that time we were also able to deliver a glimpse of what we had learned to churches interested in sending us to the mission field. What a gift! Many times Justin heard that his message was applicable at their church, and it left us burdened for our home churches...but we were already on the conveyor belt to the mission field. We would have to WAIT to share the full message until we returned one day.

Back in December we told our Country Director that the only reason we would go home early is if we got pregnant with twins or had a complicated pregnancy. We didn't even know that we wanted more kids yet! By March the Lord had laid an overwhelming desire to have more children in our hearts, a desire He blessed. Now we face twins AND complications. Now, even though we told our Country Director those were the circumstances underwhich we would leave, we STILL have sought God's guidance on the matter. Are we REALLY called to go home? Over the month of intense prayer for the health of our babies as well as our decision to stay or go, we GRAPPLED with the idea that God was sending us home. We started off with WHY, God?!? But as we remembered in Job, where God lays Job out saying, basically, "I was there when the universe was made, not you, so you answer to me." (okay, that was a major paraphrase, but you get the idea). We changed our prayers quickly to, "Okay, so what do you want us to do that will bring you the most glory?" His answer still seems to be moving home.

It's what we do with our waiting time that's important. We do not regret one second of our pursuit of the mission field. The time was well spent and catapulted us into a season of learning that we may have never had otherwise. It carried us so far in our faith, our ability to surrender to the Father, our capacity for ministry,and so much more. We have also seen successes in our time here in Peru. Time has not been wasted.

Sometimes there is NOTHING to do while you wait, as with our twins, but go on living and praying. This can drive a person crazy, especially as we wait to look in on our little ones again. In my heart I feel that our littlest twin is okay and still alive and growing, but I am still looking forward to June 10 when I can see with my eyes what my heart already knows...my babies are hanging in there. But I find that while I have a ton to do to get ready to head back to the States, my heart just wants to stay focused on my little ones and sit around waiting for the next ultrasound. I'm doing my best to continue living in the here and now, to face what today has, and let tomorrow take care of itself. That's what waiting is all about sometimes.

Not that anyone reads these whole ramblings. I'm just happy to purge my thoughts. Blessings to any who have suffered the paragraphs. I pray it was worth waiting for the end :)

In Christ,
Gillian

Lots of People Wondering

Judging from the traffic on our website, lots of people are waiting for an update. We will send out our newsletter in the coming week with our final decision about whether we are staying here in Peru or heading back to the States.

For now, the update on the twins is that the littlest one continues to have low amniotic fluid, and continues to be smaller than the other twin. However BOTH babies are still in the fight, and so are we! We've sent our information to Gillian's OB/GYN back at home, and she in turn sent it out to a Fetal Maternal Specialist. We have not heard back from the specialist yet, but Gillian's OB/GYN is concerned about the littlest one as well and what that could mean for the pregnancy.

Thank you for your continued prayers and concern for us. We cannot imagine going through this without you.

Blessings,

Justin and Gillian

Discerning God's Will

I have no idea how many mistakes this blog has, nor how cohesive my thoughts come across, but I felt the need to share the amazing work of the Father. Yes, we're going through a trial, but please do not grieve for us. God is using it for Good, thanks to the protective prayers of so many prayer warriors! Thank you! In the Beth Moore Study on Daniel she highlights the experience of the three who faced the burning furnace- Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. She says that trials serve three purposes:

1. God can deliver us FROM the fire; thus BUILDING our faith through miraculous healings or rescues.
2. He can deliver us THROUGH the fire; thus REFINING our faith through facing the trial and doing the work to face the pain.
3. He can deliver us THROUGH the fire into His arms; PERFECTING our faith by bringing us home to Him.

Shadrach, Meshach and Abedego expected that either God would miraculously save them from the furnace, OR he would deliver them into His arms. They never expected that He would deliver them THROUGH that fire - they came out not even smelling like smoke. You would never know they had been through that trial! And, as Beth Moore points out, the only things burned up in that fire were their BONDS. The things that tied them. But I think the most precious part of their history is that God was there with them in the Fire PHYSICALLY! Some say it was an angel walking around in there with them, others say it was Jesus, but no matter - God was there!

I am being so incredibly stretched right now - both literally and figuratively - it's painful, but productive. Justin calls it "a pressure cooker." An apt description. PHYSICALLY, My body is morphing at 12 weeks along in our pregnancy with twins, growing to accomodate TWO babies. It's been almost 5 years since my body last welcomed a Little One, and now, to be growing so fast, it's STRRREEETTTCCHING out again. Knowing that I have a baby in trouble, and three others (my two sons already growing and thriving, along with the other unborn twin) who also need me, I am doing my best to budget my energy for everyone. I'm drinking a TON of water, resting as much as I can, and praying for my little twins. For our other sons, on one of our darkest days, we blew off that night's obligations and we went on a family date. We ate fastfood and went to a movie - we even treated them to the annoyingly-not-worth-it little rides at the mall that the boys LOVE. It was an evening well spent.

EMOTIONALLY we're being stretched by the fight for life that our littlest baby seems to be putting forth as well as by discerning our roles in ministry. Our littlest baby is growing and developing so much slower than the other baby, and yet he's still in the fight. His heart rate is strong, but he has little amniotic fluid around him, which means his little organs aren't producing enough urine to fill out his living space. What a rollercoaster ride as we leave our doctor appointment with the last notice that, "By the next appointmnet, I expect we won't find a heartbeat." But then to go home and review the ultrasound and realize that our doctor started THAT appointment not expecting to see a heartbeat. I am preparing my heart to lose my child to the Father's kingdom, but I'm also doing my absolute best while he is within my stewardship! Do I have twins or not?! I pass by baby sections in stores and my heart just can't even look. My girlfriend told me I need to just look and buy some little things, just to have some Peruvian things. And she's right...that would be fun. Even with twins you don't need two of EVERYthing. But then we passed by a store that had two little baby displays in the front window - they were dressed in the same outfit, but one in pink and one in blue...my heart ached. Do I have both of you, or don't I??

Now the spiritual battle: WOW! The Father is doing something in us. We don't know what it is, but MAN, it's painful. For those who know me well, I do not run from pain. Nor do I begrudge its place in my life. About 7.5 years ago my mother took her own life, and that experience brought pain I thought would take the air right from my lungs. There were mornings I would wake up and wonder, with all the pain in me, how on EARTH could my chest still be rising and falling with each breath. Justin and I had been married for just 5 short months at that point, and I am so thankful that he spoon fed me the Word in my weakness. Bringing me scriptures that uplifted me, explained the Father's heart, and comforted me. But I also did the work to walk THROUGH the pain. It was the most pain I have ever faced, but it was the best time of growth I have ever experienced - and it serves to bring me the tools to face this new time of trial.

Something I learned through a Bible Study back at home was that Satan operates best in the dark...when we deny that he's on the move. But when we call him out - and turn God's light on him - he's CAUGHT in the act. Suddenly we see him, and we can fight a SEEN ENEMY. So I feel like I started off feeling despondent about the possibility of needing to go home (yes, this is a decision with which we are grappling). I was wondering what God was doing with us - but then Psalm 139: 13-18 came into my spirit by "accident" one day, and it's been growing in me. God's thoughts about our babies and about each of us are more numerous than my own, and these unborn children are even more precious to Him than to me...and I myself was fearfully and wonderully made in that secret place. He loves ME that much! WOW! How is THAT possible?!?! But it IS!

Then I wondered if we were in a Job trial - as God allowed Satan to tear Job's life apart to test his faithfulness to the Father. I started to ask, "Why?" Then I remembered the later chapters of Job where God lays Job OUT - "Then the Lord spoke to Job out of the storm: 'Who is this that darkens my counsel with words without knowledge? Brace yourself like a man; I will question you, and you shall answer me. 'Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation? Tell me, if you understand. Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know! Who stretched the measuring line across it? On what were its footings set, or who laid its cornerstone - while the morning stars sang together and all the angels shouted for joy?" CERTAINLY NOT ME! The Father has this all in His hands. He already knows the decision we will make, and we are in battle against the Enemy to make sure the path we see and choose is the one that God has directed us to, and not that the Enemy has marked for us.

Justin reminded me that Satan cannot create life - this baby was not designed as his pawn. God created our babies perfectly in His image - even with troublesome bodies, our children are fearfully and wonderfully made. We have faced trials here in Peru, apart from our babies, that have led us to wonder why things have been so hard...but we've also had some great successes here. Are we to go home now, take care of our babies and serve our local church? Or are we supposed to stay here and find what else God has for us? So we're resting, not in the question of "WHY, GOD?" But in the question of, "What are we to do that will bring you the most glory?" It might just mean that our time in Peru has come to an end.

I have to get ready for church now, though I feel like I've already had it. Many many tears have glistened our cheeks. Much ache has crossed our hearts as we grapple with this decision of whether to stay or go, but the greatest tragedy would NOT be losing our baby, because, though painful for us, Little Guy would be at home with the Father. The greatest tragedy would be ignoring the absolute magnitude of God's sovereignty and wonderful work that He's doing in us. Today I am going to rest in that promise.

In Christ,

Gillian

Sad News About Our Littlest Little One

Thank you all for praying for us and the babies. We saw both of our babies today. We are tremendously grieved to tell you that our “Little Guy” appears to be slipping away from us. We don’t know the genders yet, but I feel like he’s a boy (ridiculous, I know). He’s only grown 1 week over the last 2 weeks, which puts him a full two weeks behind his twin. His heart rate is 138, which isn’t by itself super terrible, though it is low. But he has even less fluid around him than the first ultrasound, and he’s not as well formed or developed as the other baby. Most likely he will slip away from us over the coming weeks. Thankfully, this all can happen without harming the other baby, who, by the way is looking wonderful. The big baby (I feel it’s a girl, but it’s too soon to know) is measuring right on time, and moving and swimming as it should be. We could see it moving, waving and kicking today. Praise God for this favor. We don’t understand why our time here in Peru has been so full of challenges, but when we don’t get to know WHY, we are left with the question of “What now?” Please continue to pray for us as we grapple with this question.

Love,

Gillian on behalf of all of us.

Trying to Process...

Our next appointment is Monday, May 19th. I can't remember what time, but it's in the morning (10:30ish, I think). Please pray for us as we wait for this opportunity to look in on our babies again.

I liked today's quote on our Google page:

I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it.
- Garrison Keillor

The reality is that out of about 8 conceived sets of twins, only 1 will enter the world as twins...the others as singletons. We're only 9 weeks along, and 12 weeks is a better guage for the health of twins.

The TRUTH, however, is that we serve an awesome and amazing God who is allowing me to push through and grab onto His miracles. FATHER! I WANT CONFIDENCE WITHOUT PROOF! I WANT FAITH WITHOUT SEEING! We've lost a baby before very early in a pregnancy, which leads my heart to be reluctant to grab onto certainty, that YES, we are having TWINS! Yet, sometimes, just when I feel like my faith in the Father is at an all time high, I feel like I leave room for all this doubt of what he's capable of!

On Tuesday (the day after we found out about the twins and that one needs a boost), I was feeling so burdened. Do we stay here in Lima, do we head home, will the littlest one make it, will it not? Life still continued, and, distracted as I was,I still had to teach my 10th grade English class - Praise God! We were examining the title of a book we just finished, but I couldn't remember where in the book of Psalm it was from. So as the students worked on a writing assignment, I tried to save my hide and find it...well, I didn't find it, but I immediately and "randomly" came across Psalm 139:13-16 and it's as if I heard my little children's voices:

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully
and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

I still grapple with worry, concern, and even doubt, but the prevailing feeling is one of PLANNING FOR TWO CHILDREN!

- Gillian -

Thoughts on Having Twins

That's right, folks, I am 9 weeks along with twins. We found out today that there are two little people growing inside me. We were shocked and pleased to see two little ones, now we are on our knees for the little one that seems to be having a little trouble. The little one is in a very small sack without a lot of amniotic fluid around it. It's measuring about 4-5 days younger than the other baby, which at this stage is a significant difference. The babies themselves both have great heart rates, strong and steady, so that's a great thing. So our prayer warriors are already on fast and prayer detail.

Come on, little ones, you can do it! Alex and Nathan are stoked about the whole thing. We had a babysitter over tonight because I had to go back tonight for lab work, and Alex was quick to burst with our good news, "Mommy's having twins!" As we watched the ultrasound video tonight, we could see the wheels turning in Nathan's head as he looked at the screen, felt my belly, then looked at the screen some more.

K, I passed out while giving my labs tonight (yeah, big wimp!), so I'm beat and really need to crawl in bed after such a long and exciting day.

You can see our ultrasound and what to pray about at:



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tyaYpdXm2w4

(if the link doesn't show up, just cut and paste it into your browser)



Blessings, Friends,

Gillian