Life just does not get any better than it is right now. God healed our children from reflux and asthma, so both of them are healthy and vibrant. Justin and I have been working on our house for the last few months, sorting through the clutter, repairing little things here and there, and putting fresh paint on everything, so now it's a sweet home with few worries for maintenance. Our finances have come pretty much under control over these last three years (living on a budget with healthy kids and no one in diapers), so our debt will be completely wiped out before we go to the mission field. Our friendships have multiplied and intensified. Sooooo many blessings. We are the All-American family - Justin is even a coach on Alex's t-ball team. And now, we're about to leave it all for a country thousands of miles from here, and a life yet to be revealed.
Yesterday the boys and I visited Justin at work in downtown Columbia, SC, and we enjoyed a 6 block walk to a restaurant. It reminded me of summers in Minnesota when my friends and I would hang out in Uptown Minneapolis, walking one direction to the movie theater and the other to the restaurant. I would dream about the day when I could live in an urban setting, taking in the eclectic array of personalities and culture that cities bring. I also craved the walker's life...sidewalks everywhere, public transportation, etc. I have seen pictures of places where we could live when we get to Peru. They're nice, with shops and parks within walking distance of many apartment buildings. And Justin and I have never felt so at home as the times that we have hung out with other young missionaries. Could it be that God is fulfilling this childhood attraction to urban life? Was He grooming me to live in a place like Lima, Peru? LORD, we want what YOU would have for us...not what we would have for ourselves.
This morning I stayed in bed a little longer than usual because the little girl that I babysit isn't coming today. I listened as Justin fed the kids breakfast and got himself ready for work, and I was amazed at our current blessings. How easy our life would be right now if we weren't going anywhere. For the last three years (one year of praying and exploring our call, and two years of raising support) we have been actively dedicated to exploring and seeking our call to missions while living a paralleled All-American life. Justin came and sat on the bed before heading off to work and we talked about how crazy it is to leave all of this. But then, as we talked, we realized that we were motivated to fix up our house because we were leaving. Our children were healed as a result of prayer, not wanting to leave for the mission field if our children were sick. God gave us a vision for managing our money because we would not go to the mission field with debt, and because we want to be excellent stewards of our money as we live on the support of others. And we signed Alex up for T-ball this year because it would be his last opportunity to play with his Dad, uncle, and grandfather as his coaches and his cousin as a teammate - you see, T-ball is not Alex's natural gifting or interest...but spending time with family is. And our friendships...would they be as intense if we weren't leaving so soon? Everything has been motivated by our call to serve on the mission field.
I'm reminded of Esther when faced with the decision of whether or not to help her fellow Jews. She had it good as queen, and to approach the king on behalf of the Jews, UNSUMMONED, risked the punishment of death. But she was faced with these words from Mordecai, "Do not think that because you are in the king's house you alone of all the Jews will escape....And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?" Okay, so I'm no queen, but if we were to remain here, who's to say that this time of contentedness and peace would remain? Life over these last three years has had its immense spiritual, financial, and emotional challenges, so to think that our life is picture perfect is to forget from whence we came, and our purpose for that journey. We would be remiss if we forgot WHY and HOW we came to this point in our lives. Everything I listed in the last paragraph was motivated by the prospect of becoming missionaries, perhaps ordered and designed for "such a time as this."
I'm also reminded of the Israelites' Exodus out of Egypt, where, over and over again, they get a huge blessing, rejoice for a time, then forget the blessing, start grumbling for a new blessing, and then God provides again, even at the risk of leaving leanness in their souls. Psalm 106 recounts the Israelites' ungrateful moments during their passage through the desert, and says, "and he gave them their request, but sent leanness into their soul." (Ps. 106:15, ASV). All of my Christian life I have heard that God knows the desires of our hearts, but I always assumed that if He gave us those desires, it would come with the protection from what would harm us. Why did God give the Israelites their request even at the risk of unfulfillment? My Bible study by Beth Moore, A Woman's Heart, says it is to prove HIS faithfulness, not theirs. Ouch - a stab of conviction for me. I'm reminded of this because in all of our missions planning and efforts, our greatest prayer is that God work out HIS desires for our lives. If God is going to grant us only our own desire, but leave leanness in our souls, then I don't want it. I want the full glory of God, not an appeasement to my spoiled requests. But here I stand at the brink of His call, and I am sad about leaving.
I am aware of my own strong will that gets in the way sometimes. Just like the Israelites, it's easy for me to forget the great blessings God provided for HIS purposes. From my standpoint right now, I see that God has ordered our life for the mission field, not for Justin, Gillian, Alex, and Nathan to do all of this work in our lives only to say, "Okay, God, now comes some really hard and unknown stuff, so lets just stop here and enjoy what you have done without doing the job you have prepared us for."
God, it is SOOO hard to leave our first home, friends and family, and a somewhat predictable routine life, but please don't answer my grumblings to leave leanness in my soul - please make my desires align with yours! I was just looking through God's Word and He brought this to my attention: "Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." He goes on to say, "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous hand." (Isaiah 40:28-31; 41:10) These kinds of promises are laid out throughout the Bible, who am I to sit here in my pity party with this kind of assurance?!? I am still Gillian, and I falter in my ways, but I am thankful to know the One who knows the future.
Thank you, Father. I needed this today.
G
