I sometimes wonder how I landed here, living in Peru. Those who know me, know that I like things to be well planned, predictable, stable. They know that I, along with my husband, guard our children with an iron clad shield of overbearing protection. If I were an outsider looking onto my situation, I would not have taken me for a girl designed for international living...and yet here I am. Being here fulfills huge desires and callings in my life, but I look around me at other missionaries and wonder, how did I get so lucky to get mixed in with this crowd. Most of the people our age down here, are usually more the healthy-types. You know, the kind who run for fitness. Whereas I like to reserve running for being chased by something. These people also seem very comfortable with grabbing whatever mode of transportation is readily available in their given destination: motorcycles, animals, micro-buses, anything. They figure, if they end up somewhere near their destination they're doing okay. Honestly, it's a stretch for me to branch out and be so adventurous. I like to know which bus goes where, and have someone experienced show me how to do it first. Even driving here, I like someone with me when I venture to a new spot.
I guess I've always been aware of my mortality - I've always been cautious. I wanted to say that I've become more so since my mom passed away seven years ago, and since my children were born, but that's simply not the case. I have always been a rule follower - a "play it safe" kind of girl. So how did I end up here with my husband and two tiny little ones? I know that part of it is that I have had this inexplicable gnawing at my spirit since I was about 12 years old to serve Him overseas. The Lord designed me with this desire to serve in this way. I also think it's because I seldom tolerate being hindered by my fears. I can't stand feeling boxed in or limited by fear. I've learned to recognize it lurking in the shadows of my apprehension. Sometimes I mistake it for an unction from the Holy Spirit that something bad is going to happen, so it should therefore be avoided. Very few times, after prayer and reflection, however, has this truly been the case for me. More often than not, my apprehension is none other than my own self-limiting fear. Fear of the unknown and fear of embarrassment or judgement. Whether Satan produces these fears or he sits back and lets my own nature take over, I'm not sure. But I do know, that a spirit of fear is not from the Father...and I crave what He has. I have noticed that every time I have shrugged off my fear of being judged and truly followed my heart, I have come out feeling true to myself, closer to the Father, and blessed for the journey.
So there's this other type of missionaries here...they're typically older than we are, though some not by much. They also have small children...or grown children, but their families are established. Some of them are the healthy types, but life slows pace with children, so they're healthy within the pace of family life. And when I look around me, I see other people like me. They're afraid to drive here too, and some are amazed that I've just taken the bull by the horns to do it. They don't know that I stick to the roads I know until I have a reason to venture farther. I realize that "missionary types" are as diverse as regular people, oh that's right, they ARE regular people. We vary in our calls, personalities, approaches to ministry, everything. So there's room for me in this world...my cautious, planning nature.
So here I am, Gillian Monson Brickey - The cautious, ever-planning, seeking the will of God for our life in Peru. Little me, big world, yet all things are possible. And I am ever-grateful.
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